(no subject)

[multipurposegoddess]

 Henry would have been 40 today. He should be having chocolate cake and some red meat and talking about watching his cholesterol better. Taking of from work early to go fishing in the slough because it's his birthday.

I'm taking the day off from everything. If I feel like doing something, fine; if not, okay. I think that's the only way I can cope.

Fictional people are always becoming more compassionate, better people after a tragic loss. It hasn't worked like that for me. Something inside me that used to get soft and want to help in the face of other people's problems now goes all hard and cold and selfish. It's not how I'd choose to react and I think I'm wearing it down over time but that's just how it is more often than I'd like. So, you know, sorry about that.

Comments

[arliss]

I'm sorry you're struggling. I've been floundering, more than I thought I would be by this point. I guess there's really just no way to know how it's going to go. I think about you a lot. And I always wish you well. Today, especially.

[sail_aweigh]

RL has been eating my brain lately and I've been bypassing LJ/DW as a result. I'm sorry I missed this when you posted it.

I don't think you're necessarily being hard and selfish. What I see is someone who went through a terrible loss, who is trying to recover who she is in the aftermath. What you are doing is necessary for self-preservation. You'll figure it out when it's time for you to figure it out, not on anyone else's schedule, not even your "better self".

{{-t}}

[javacat]

To Henry's birthday -- cheers to remembering him.