Sorting Things Out
Jul. 29th, 2010 10:15 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
multipurposegoddessSo, I have an awful lot of physical things that need sorting - H's stuff, the boxes we still haven't unpacked (having a shed that's bigger than any of the rooms inside the house really lowers the pressure to unpack), and I have this sense that I need to rearrange the whole house to better suit a solitary occupant. But i'm spending a lot more time on the mental sorting. I thought I'd throw some of those thoughts up here and maybe get them out of my head, make room for new thoughts.
I want to keep the house. This landscape - dry fields surrounded by oak scrub hillsides and close to flat water - is my image of home. I love being two blocks from the water. The heat and wind are probably good for my watery soul, I'm emotionally attached to the Henry Lauder's Walking Stick, and Sticky Monkey Flower, and orange tree that H and I planted in the yard, and they would all be difficult to move. My neighbors are fine, I've certainly had worse.
I don't have a lot of other wants, not that are possible, anyway. I've been going to shul out of gratitude and obligation but when it comes right down to it, it's a Conservative congregation and I'm much more comfortable with Reform. The tininess of the congregation makes it impossible to sit in a corner and be invisible. H would have loved this synagogue and enjoyed the Torah study immensely, which is why I keep going, I guess, but for me, I don't know. I'm not sure I need another community to try to be an active member of, is what it comes down to, and if I'm not an active member, why bother?
The biggest difficulty I've got right now is coming up with reasons to do, well, anything. Look after my health. Be Here Now. Return phone calls. The last time I saw my thereapist, one of the things she said was that it was really important that I not freak out if I was visited (by, presumably, H's spirit), which was way too woo-woo for me and one of the many reasons why I'm nt going back to her, but what I found myself focussing on was that "important". Why would that be important? How could it possibly matter? And that applies to so much. Very little actually matters.
I want to keep the house. This landscape - dry fields surrounded by oak scrub hillsides and close to flat water - is my image of home. I love being two blocks from the water. The heat and wind are probably good for my watery soul, I'm emotionally attached to the Henry Lauder's Walking Stick, and Sticky Monkey Flower, and orange tree that H and I planted in the yard, and they would all be difficult to move. My neighbors are fine, I've certainly had worse.
I don't have a lot of other wants, not that are possible, anyway. I've been going to shul out of gratitude and obligation but when it comes right down to it, it's a Conservative congregation and I'm much more comfortable with Reform. The tininess of the congregation makes it impossible to sit in a corner and be invisible. H would have loved this synagogue and enjoyed the Torah study immensely, which is why I keep going, I guess, but for me, I don't know. I'm not sure I need another community to try to be an active member of, is what it comes down to, and if I'm not an active member, why bother?
The biggest difficulty I've got right now is coming up with reasons to do, well, anything. Look after my health. Be Here Now. Return phone calls. The last time I saw my thereapist, one of the things she said was that it was really important that I not freak out if I was visited (by, presumably, H's spirit), which was way too woo-woo for me and one of the many reasons why I'm nt going back to her, but what I found myself focussing on was that "important". Why would that be important? How could it possibly matter? And that applies to so much. Very little actually matters.