Epiphany o' the Week

[multipurposegoddess]

So, hey, there is actually good stuff in my life, but, sorry, gentle readers, you don't get to hear about that right now. You get the stuff I have to get out of my head RIGHT NOW before it eats up too many neurons.

A while back I read some tweeted pithy self-help advice that ended with "Repeat until happy" and my immediate reaction was "oh, sure, that's fine for people who want to be happy" and even inside my head that sounded like an odd thing to say, but I just filed it away as one of those things.

I've been wrestling with motivation a lot. In the sense that I don't have any and I have been singularly unsuccessful at manufacturing any. My usual method is to remind myself of the ultimate goal of all these damn tasks that I don't particularly want to do, but the only goal I've got right now is trying not to be a burden on anyone and that just doesn't apply to that many tasks. So I was thinking about that and trying to figure out a way around it and that's when I realized the crux of my problem. I don't want the story of me that I tell myself to go "my husband died and then I got my shit together" so I am highly resistant to getting my shit together. Which is what most of the things have to do boil down to, really.

Which was really bothering me for a few days, but today I think I'm kind of okay with it.

I'm not being all self-destructive, I don't think, just kind of stagnant in my messed-up-ness. Which you're not supposed to do, right? You're supposed to get better, learn, grow, build character, do something.

I think I'm giving up on that. Just barely managing what is absolutely necessary is enough. It's a relief to have that in words.

And hey, great, right after I post that the mail comes with a package from Prudential. Hello, thing I absolutely have to deal with and really don't want to! Goodbye equilibrium, you were pleasant while I had you.

Comments

[perkins]

Oh sweetie.

I'm sorry things are stagnating for you right now, and I wish I could do more than just say that.

Let me know if it would help to get out and about, or have people come up there for a spa day or something.

[multipurposegoddess]

I will, thank you.

Something will shake loose eventually and get me moving again, I'm sure.

[fatoudust]

Dude, for serious, don't worry about it. While that's a big epiphany, and I can definitely see where you're coming from with it, you are still firmly in the territory of "no one can tell you a damn thing about how you should be thinking or feeling." You absolutely do not need to be progressing in character or learning to skydive or anything right now. Survival is totally key, and you are rocking at it right now.

[multipurposegoddess]

For once, it seems I was looking for validation because that made me feel a whole lot better. Thanks.