State of the Tamara
Nov. 25th, 2010 01:07 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
multipurposegoddessI've got a lot of things to be thankful for, and I am, but I so don't feel like thinking about that right now. Sorry, holiday.
I have this Day Counter app that tells me how long it's been since a specific day, or how long until that day comes. Today it says 182 days since H died, and 182 more to the first anniversary, so that's half a year. I'm using the rule of thumb (I don't know where I picked this up, but it seems reasonable) of not making any major decisions for a year, so I'm halfway through that. Seems like a good time to check in and see how I'm doing.
In short, pretty well, I think. I'm a LOT more functional than I was right after, as far as just getting through daily routine type stuff, the care and feeding of the Tamara, etc. Not what I'd call normal, but making progress.
A whole lot of things make me sad. I tend to think that my default emotional state is sad, actually, but that's fine. It's comfortable and familiar, and where I should be. I kind of miss those first few weeks of just pure grief and probably shock. That just had such clarity. When I couldn't sleep, I'd go outside and stare up at the sky and not think anything at all, the blankest my mind has ever been. The busy gerbil thoughts are back, now.
I'm starting to sort of want things - like, maybe sleeping not quite so much would be nice, that sort of thing. I'm thinking maybe getting dressed and leaving the house every other day might be an achievable goal for December. I need to be able to hold down a job before my money runs out, and the job market being what it is I need to be able to look for a job quite a bit before then, so I think it's time to start working towards that. And I've had about enough of feeling weak and getting tired whenever I do anything, so exercise is in order.
I've been thinking about rearranging the furniture in the whole house for a while now, it may be time to get started on that. Which will also give me an opportunity to deep clean carpets, that sort of thing. I need to do some work in the yard, also, at least enough to be ready for a new colony of bees in January.
I have this Day Counter app that tells me how long it's been since a specific day, or how long until that day comes. Today it says 182 days since H died, and 182 more to the first anniversary, so that's half a year. I'm using the rule of thumb (I don't know where I picked this up, but it seems reasonable) of not making any major decisions for a year, so I'm halfway through that. Seems like a good time to check in and see how I'm doing.
In short, pretty well, I think. I'm a LOT more functional than I was right after, as far as just getting through daily routine type stuff, the care and feeding of the Tamara, etc. Not what I'd call normal, but making progress.
A whole lot of things make me sad. I tend to think that my default emotional state is sad, actually, but that's fine. It's comfortable and familiar, and where I should be. I kind of miss those first few weeks of just pure grief and probably shock. That just had such clarity. When I couldn't sleep, I'd go outside and stare up at the sky and not think anything at all, the blankest my mind has ever been. The busy gerbil thoughts are back, now.
I'm starting to sort of want things - like, maybe sleeping not quite so much would be nice, that sort of thing. I'm thinking maybe getting dressed and leaving the house every other day might be an achievable goal for December. I need to be able to hold down a job before my money runs out, and the job market being what it is I need to be able to look for a job quite a bit before then, so I think it's time to start working towards that. And I've had about enough of feeling weak and getting tired whenever I do anything, so exercise is in order.
I've been thinking about rearranging the furniture in the whole house for a while now, it may be time to get started on that. Which will also give me an opportunity to deep clean carpets, that sort of thing. I need to do some work in the yard, also, at least enough to be ready for a new colony of bees in January.
(no subject)
Date: 2010-11-26 02:12 am (UTC)Rearranging the furniture will probably be a good project. But be gentle with yourself doing that; furniture is a visceral thing, it's the space we live in, it's the shape of the outside of our lives. It will probably be really good for you to make a new shape. But don't get discouraged if you find it difficult. Give yourself grace.
(no subject)
Date: 2010-11-26 03:05 am (UTC)