Well, I found an ad for a job that I wouldn't feel like a total fraud if I applied for it. So, that whole becoming employed thing maybe not impossible, just difficult. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with that information, yet. I'd need to do a number of things before I'd be ready to put in any applications - haircut, professional wardrobe (I don't think I could put together a single outfit that fits and would be work appropriate right now. Sad but true), finding things like my actuarial exam results and school records, etcetera, etcetera. And chances are good that any job I would take would involve a long commute. A lot of my take-home pay would no doubt go to transportation, hiring a housecleaner, and doggie daycare. It would be a lot harder to keep up my exercise routine, much less expand it as much as I would like. And it sure doesn't seem like that would increase my chances for ever having a family, though those are already seeming very low.
In short, looks like a lot of waffling in my future.
The husband is trying to establish more of a routine for himself - getting to bed early, cutting back on caffeine, eating at regular times, that sort of thing. Too early to tell how it's going. I'm kind of doubtful about the whole thing, today. I don't think he is so much trying to be a more functional human being as trying to figure out how much superficial functionality he needs to demonstrate to be able to keep his bad habits hidden. I hope I'm wrong.
Edited on Nov. 1: I actually bawled at him a bit over this feeling I had and he was convincingly rueful about past bad behavior and has done nothing to arouse suspicions since but rather put in practice ways of reassuring me (like having an NA brother call me when meetings run long, which is so helpful). In short, I am feeling much better.
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