Warning: Exceeds RDA for Self-pity

[multipurposegoddess]

 Looks like it has been a while since I posted anything here, so I should probably do something about that.

I'm having a rough time. DH is doing well, which is surprisingly problematic. He is doing all this growing and healing and taking control of his life and I am staying the same old me I have been all along. I don't know, yet, if this is a real problem or just in my head, but it is not fun. You know how, early in a relationship, you have to cautiously reveal yourself and see if the other person still likes you when they know about the flaws that you normally keep well hidden? I feel like I have to go through that again, because I doubt that has been seeing me clearly all the time we've been together.

And I've been coming to grips with the idea that I probably won't ever have kids and I'm terribly sad about it. There's a finite probability, still, I guess, but now certainly doesn't feel like the right time and I'm only going to get older. And then I think about how it would be once the hypothetical child is a teenager, and can I handle all that worry that is so much like the worrying I have had to go through with DH and I don't know that I can, so maybe I am not cut out to be a mother anyway. Which is probably the saddest thought I have ever had.

I am also at the mercy of hormones that seemingly want me to suffer and I can't concentrate for shit, so, there's that. 

I'm seeing our therapist on my own on Thursday. i've been dreading it all week. This is probably not the healthiest attitude to take. But at least it's not like going to the doctor after all the symptoms have disappeared on their own, right?

Speaking of symptoms, my traditional February cough is back a little early. It sounds worse than it feels, but it's annoying nonetheless.

Comments

[zmayhem.livejournal.com]

Oh, shit. I just want to hug the stuffing out of you. That's so many miserable burdens and worries and griefs to be carrying around.

FWIW, I think you've done a phenomenal job just staying functional through all the stressors of the past few years, and if you ever do get the chance to be a parent I'm pretty certain you will find the teenage years to be a cakewalk in comparison. And if you never do get that chance, you have still done a phenomenal job and are still strong and astonishing.

If you ever want to be hooked up with my friend in Oakland who went through the same thing with her husband, completely disintegrated, and came out intact on the other side (and, incidentally, became a first-time parent at 40), let me know.

[lili-beth.livejournal.com]

Know what? Self-pity is not out of place. And you have been the same old you because that was what was needed at the time.

I think that dreading a trip to the therapist means that you're getting ready to grow and heal and take control. It isn't going to be easy, so dreading it is a pretty normal reaction. Remember that you can leave as many of these craptastic thoughts in that room as you like.

If there's anything I can do, I'll do it.

[fiorituranotte.livejournal.com]

I wish I could give you a big hug in person. Please give yourself a break. Just because things are getting better doesn't mean all of fear and worry etc, will just go away. I hope you can find something that makes you happy in life.

[zenkitty-714.livejournal.com]

It seems to me that "the same old you that you've been all along" is a pretty good person to be.

[sail-aweigh.livejournal.com]

I agree with every commenter here, the hive mind is very wise. But, mostly, I want to say you are strong like a strong thing and that has kept you going. Maybe now's the time to share that with the therapist so you can relax a little. You've been single-handedly sailing a boat that should take two to sail, that takes a lot of skill and brute strength, it's tiring! This is your chance to get some specialized tips from the therapist and to figure out how to bring H into harness with you. You don't have to do it all alone anymore.

{{Tamara}}

[windsparrow.livejournal.com]

What they said. ::hugs::

[fufaraw]

Pointing at what all these wise women have said and nodding really hard. Also sending every good thought I can find, and wishing I could hug you in person.